


a story we can tell another time

by Balthamos



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Demisexual Matteo, Dysphoria, Healthy Communication, Insecurity, M/M, Prompt Fic, but plenty of comfort too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28048299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: He'd known it would be beautiful with David, just like everything with him was. He'd known it would be good, that he wanted to be with David in that way. He'd been nervous of course but David hadn't made that seem like a bad thing, had just reassured him and that was why it was good, that was why it had been perfect. David took away the pressure and allowed them to just fall into it, just love each other.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner
Comments: 5
Kudos: 62





	1. and maybe i'm too young to settle down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He'd known it would be beautiful with David, just like everything with him was. He'd known it would be good, that he wanted to be with David in that way. He'd been nervous of course but David hadn't made that seem like a bad thing, had just reassured him and that was why it was good, that was why it had been perfect. David took away the pressure and allowed them to just fall into it, just love each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> You are taking prompts. My life is complete now. You just put so much love in everything you write. It's amazing to be able to read that. Thanks for sharing your stories. Prompt: Matteo and David after their first time. Everything's just new and awkward and Matteo is kinda shy, nervous. They cuddle. They talk. They kiss. They tease each other. They confess their love to each other again. Just something cute, about them. Pure fluff. ❤️❤️
> 
> _I loved writing this one, it's such an intimate moment and I loved getting into Matteo's head while his brain was just on David overload. And yes even though it's such a beautiful, tender moment they are of course going to tease each other relentlessly because it's also fun, they are so comfortable with each other it's just how they show affection by this point._
> 
> _I got an ask for more demi Matteo and while this doesn't fill that prompt he is demi in this one he just hasn’t thought it through yet, doesn't quite understand it. But that’s how I’ve written it and I think it comes across in the way he experiences sex and how he feels about it. There’s plenty more demi Matteo to come._
> 
> _Because in the show David wore his binder throughout and was still wearing it the next morning, I didn't want to change that so I’ve left that in and they do talk about it and David even tries to reason it out because he's feeling very vulnerable and exposed but he does know better._

Matteo never knew it could be like that. Not that he had any experience otherwise but whatever he’d dreamt of this wasn’t it. He knew it would be good, knew it would be beautiful with David but this beat anything he could’ve imagined. Sex had always seemed a very abstract concept to him until David came along and even then it was a slow realisation that it was something he wanted. 

The first time he ever saw David, he was hit with desire like he’d never felt before, but it wasn’t sexual. It was this pressing need to just know him, this mysterious boy he’d never laid eyes on before. It was like this voice screaming in his brain _that boy is important._ It wasn’t often he was right, but he sure had been that day. He’d stared only for a moment, but he’d stared and tried to memorise everything he could in the few seconds of barely there contact they’d had. 

A couple of days later he’d seen him again and he knew what it was, that need was attraction. But it was so much more complicated than he’d ever expected. Yeah, he wanted to kiss David then and there but he also just wanted to talk with him, make him laugh, see him smile. He wanted David to smile at him, wanted him to like him. It had all built from there. 

The moment David had kissed him in the pool, it was like _oh that’s what it feels like, this is how it’s supposed to be_. Instantly his whole body was warm, flushed; he’d felt the overwhelming desire to giggle at the situation. He felt so young and inexperienced. Like he’d never been kissed before because it had never felt like that. It may as well have been his first kiss because nothing before that counted. It felt like he was slowly waking up. And then David pulled away, and that need hit him harder than before. They couldn’t stop kissing, he needed more, needed David’s lips on his again urgently. But he somehow played it cool, even though inside he was screaming, just wanted to grab David and kiss him senseless. He played along with the stupid game, and when he kissed David again, he knew he never wanted to stop. 

All night they’d kissed. But they’d cuddled too, held hands, chatted about everything and nothing. They'd smoked and laughed and stuffed their faces with stolen food from Hans’ shelf in the fridge. It had been nothing epic, but to him, it had been everything. 

There had been a moment though when Matteo had teased David about his beanie. He’d put it on and mocked him leading to David tackling him to the bed and pinning him down. Matteo had just gasped and stared up at him, shaking slightly. David could’ve done anything with him in that moment, and Matteo would’ve probably let him. He felt utterly overwhelmed by him, had never desired another person like this, had never wanted to give himself up for someone else, be vulnerable like that. 

What David did though was stare down at him for a moment, biting his lip as he searched Matteo’s face for something. Matteo didn’t know what he saw, but it led to him carefully climbing off him and laying down beside him, pulling him close and settling him against him, running his hand through his hair to soothe away any trepidation. Matteo had never felt so safe in his life, nothing was going to happen, but he felt for the first time when it did, if it were with David it would be beautiful because David already got him. So by the time he was ready, and he knew David would wait, by that time David would know him so intimately that it would be wonderful. They fell asleep like that, no more words needed, David got him. He got David.

Last night they’d talked at the pool, cuddled close in the dark. From David’s earlier yelling Matteo had assumed sex wasn’t something on the table for them anytime soon. Which was fine; he was only just barely there himself. He knew he wanted David like that but was still so nervous. It was only because it was David and he wanted everything with him that he knew when the time came it would be amazing. It turned out David felt similarly. It was different, his nerves and trepidation coming from a place of discomfort with his body and the level of intimacy required of sex. Matteo’s fears came from nerves, a sense of inadequacy, the risk of being that open and vulnerable even though it was with David, and he trusted him completely.

So they’d talked it through, what they both wanted, what they both expected. For David, the most important thing was that Matteo understood that while he wanted to have sex, when it came down to it, he might change his mind, no longer be able to and that that was ok with him, that he wouldn’t get upset or frustrated with him. And of course it was fine, he’d said as much, that he loved David and his comfort was more important than anything. 

And then he’d said he really wanted to be with him, but he was so nervous of being bad, getting too caught up in his own head, being too clumsy and embarrassing himself. He’d told David he knew it was stupid, that he was eighteen and sex shouldn’t even be a big deal anymore, but it was to him, and it made him really nervous. David had said it wasn’t stupid at all, that a little nerves were ok but if it was unbearable then he wasn’t ready, and nothing was going to happen until he was. 

That had meant everything. That had meant the world. He hadn’t been able to have sex with Sara because he was gay but even so the pressure there was immense, she’d never pushed him too far, had stopped when he shrugged her off, but it had made him feel ill that she’d even tried. David didn't do that, he read his body language before proceeding, and if it wasn’t clear he waited, he checked and he gave him control. Matteo did the same for him. And he knew that meant when they did have sex it would be amazing.

It had been, it had been absolutely wonderful. The moment David paused and then kissed him instead of just pulling off his belt, it was like everything slowed down. When he reassured him after he confessed his nerves, it was like all those racing thoughts in his mind faded away to nothing but his touch. The press of his lips against his own, the heat of his steady hand on his naked waist as he led him to the bed. All he could focus on was David; there was no room for anything else. 

He had been clumsy just like he’d been worried about. It had been awkward and fumbling, and at one point he swore he’d elbowed David in the stomach. But David had just laughed and hushed his apologies before he could even say anything. They’d laughed and smiled and kissed and held each other throughout. Slowly he learnt David’s body, what felt, good for him, and where he could and couldn’t touch. He knew they were just beginning, that as they continued this, they would learn so much about each other that this would become as natural as breathing. But he made David feel good, he felt amazing, and David looked like he felt the same, and that was perfect. 

It was nothing like what he’d seen online or in movies because it was real. It was fun and silly, yet the most vulnerable he’d ever felt, the most intimate he’d ever been with another person, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. It was real, and it was perfect.

He’d been lying there for about five minutes now, and his brain still hadn’t come back online. There was a small nagging reminder that he should at least try to look at David but he couldn’t. 

He couldn’t move yet, was just laying there. David was beside him calm and relaxed; his legs still draped over Matteo’s. Matteo was staring at the ceiling, but he knew David was grinning at him, he could just sense it, that slightly smug expression he sometimes got when he looked at him. Matteo loved that look, David looked at him like he’d won something and Matteo had honestly never felt as treasured as he did under David’s gaze. 

Eventually, David huffed in slight frustration, wrapped his hand around the back of his head and pulled him in for another kiss, still slow and gentle, allowing him to pull back if he couldn’t handle it. Matteo just let him though, even if he wanted to resist he couldn’t, just felt himself gravitating toward David, pressing their lips together, exchanging soft, lazy kisses. 

After a minute, David pulled back, but this time he didn’t let go, didn’t let Matteo go back to staring at the ceiling. Instead, he shifted slightly, so they were level. He was still smiling, but his eyes searched his.

“Ok?” David whispered, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. He wasn’t concerned, not yet, but Matteo knew he needed to know what was going through his head right now. He didn’t even know how to explain it.

Matteo opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. He didn’t even know how to begin to describe how he was feeling right now. Ok didn’t cover it at all, was utterly inadequate but he didn’t know what else to say.

“Yeah,” he breathed, ok would just have to cover it for now, his brain couldn’t string anything more complex together. 

It didn’t matter though, David’s smile was so wide, no longer grinning, just smiling fondly at him. Looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, even though he knew he must look a mess. He was sweaty and sticky; his face was still hot and red, his hair sticking to his forehead. And he knew the expression on his face was something akin to dumbstruck, and yet David continued to stare at him like he was the best thing he’d ever seen. Matteo felt his face getting even warmer, he blinked and continued to stare back.

“You sure?” David checked gently, brushing his hair from his forehead, seemingly not grossed out by how damp it was.

“I… yeah… are you?” Matteo asked, if he could get David talking that would give him some time to regroup.

“I’m fucking fantastic,” David told him, he tightened his grip in Matteo’s hair and pulled him in, kissing him again. Matteo just sighed, tangling their legs together. He relaxed into it. This he could do, this required minimal thinking, he just gave in to it, kissing David until whatever semblance of thoughts he had managed to gather together faded away again. 

After a few moments, David rolled them so Matteo was on his back and he was laying on top of him, forehead resting against his. He stroked his face gently.

“Are you ok Matteo?” he whispered.

“I feel lost,” Matteo admitted. It wasn’t a bad feeling necessarily, but he felt like if David weren’t there with him right now, he would be falling apart, breaking down. “Please don’t let go of me,” he mumbled, closing his eyes.

David just gently kissed his eyelids, then squeezed him tight. That was better; he let himself sink into the bed, David’s weight above him a comfort, grounding him.

“Not going anywhere Matteo,” David said, continuing to pepper kisses all over his face. 

It took a while, but slowly he felt his mind coming back, not racing how he was used to, still slow and calm but he felt more present, like he could give David the attention he was patiently waiting for.

David must’ve seen it in his face.

“Back with me?”

“Yeah sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry; it was a lot, are you ok?” David asked again, a little concerned about the state he was in.

“Yeah the whole time I was ok, I just…” 

David gave him one last kiss, one last squeeze then carefully rolled off him. Matteo sighed; he no longer felt like he was going to float away.

“It was a lot,” he agreed.

“But it was ok?” David asked.

“So ok,” Matteo whispered, turning to face him, they just lay there staring at each other for a moment. “It wasn’t a bad feeling just really intense, I’ve never felt anything so intensely like that. Everything with you is intense, it’s like I can finally feel again. For so long, I’ve felt numb, so it’s a lot to get used to. Every time you touch me, hold me, kiss me, it’s overwhelming, but this was on a whole other level,” he explained.

David nodded.

“Was it… was it ok for you? Really?”

David, the asshole that he was, just giggled, Matteo hit him on the arm, but he just continued to laugh.

“David seriously, I was so nervous ok? I know I wasn’t perfect or anything but was it… was it any good?”

David took a deep breath to control his laughter, then smiled at him softly, eyes still shining with mirth.

“It was perfect to me Matteo, perfect,” he insisted.

“Really? Because I had no idea what I was doing, but I’ll get better I just…” He floundered now, felt unsure. He hated fishing for compliments, but he had to know that David at least enjoyed it. As much as he wanted to make it good for him, he knew it might not work out that way, that his inexperience might hamper him somewhat.

“It was perfect Matteo, do you want to know why?” David asked him.

“Why?”

“Because it was you,” he said softly.

It was Matteo’s turn to giggle. He’d never felt high like this, couldn’t stop laughing now, he couldn't stop smiling, he was happy and content like he’d never been before. And David was blushing now as he thought about what they’d just done and that had him feeling warm all over.

“But even if you hadn’t made me feel _really_ good-” 

He broke off to thump him when Matteo grinned cheekily.

“Don’t be a little shit,” he warned. “Even if I hadn’t come-”

Matteo giggled again he couldn’t help it, he shook with it as he tried to stop himself.

“Jesus Christ Matteo, I’m trying to compliment you here. Will you stop acting like you’re twelve? We just had _sex_ ,” David reminded him.

Matteo just screwed his face up; he couldn’t stop the laughter now, he wasn't even laughing at what David was saying. It was the relief that he’d made David feel good hitting him, that was all he’d set out to do, provide his boyfriend with pleasure. That he’d been able to do that, show him through touch and intimacy how much he loved him, worshipped him, meant the world to him. Apparently, his response to that was hysterics.

David just rolled his eyes, but he was smiling too, Matteo knew he was feeling similarly, he was just better at playing it cool.

“Can I finish?”

“Thought you already did.”

Matteo screamed as he was shoved to the edge of the bed. It was soon muffled by the pillow David covered his face with. After a few seconds, he was pulled back and thrown to the bed with a huff.

“Boy, I miss those few minutes when you were out of it,” David mused.

It hadn’t felt like minutes to him, he felt like he was gone a long time, lost inside his own empty head. He’d never felt anything quite like that. It wasn’t scary, he knew David was there to pull him back if he got too lost, but it was a little unsettling. He wondered if it would be like that every time. He was pretty sure he would never be able to trust anyone but David with him when he was like that. He was pretty sure he would never have to.

“Felt like hours to me,” Matteo admitted.

David gave him a quick kiss. “It was only maybe two or three minutes,” he assured him.

“Yeah I guess. Ok, you can finish now, I am listening,” Matteo said.

“Ok what I was trying to say was that yeah it was good, really really good, but neither of us knew what we were doing outside of theory. It could have been pretty crap, but even if it was less... pleasurable-” He stopped talking to cover Matteo's face with his hand. “Do you know what the best bit was?”

How was he expected to answer exactly? He licked David’s hand until he uncovered his face. David just wiped his hand on Matteo’s shoulder. He huffed his disgust.

“When you came?” he asked.

David rolled his eyes.

“Yes that too but also just… you kept asking me if I was ok, if the pace was ok, if it was ok to speed up, you asked me if I was comfortable, if I felt good like twenty times,” David said.

“Because… there was so much going on, I couldn’t read you as easily as normal and… I didn’t think I could rely on that for something as big as this; I had to have your word,” Matteo explained. He’d been so overwhelmed but knowing that David was ok, that he was there with him helped keep him grounded. “David if we ever… you know…”

“What do I know?”

“David,” he hissed.

“Do it the other way round?”

“Yeah that, I’ll need that. If we ever... that’s what I need,” Matteo said, blushing. He wasn’t brilliant at talking about this stuff but David made it easier. And he didn’t think David would deny him that.

“I know. It’s good. It’s important,” David said.

Matteo knew how quick he was to get overwhelmed, knew he would need David to check in constantly to stop him getting lost inside his own head. And he knew he would, probably to the point of being annoying but it was so much better than not checking at all.

“Ok but that… I felt so treasured, so loved. You love me so much; you care so much, Matteo. All you cared about was me in that moment. That’s so beautiful, and I love you so much for that. I know sex isn’t love, they’re not equivalent but what we just did was pure love. That was an expression of love, and it felt so good. I love you,” he said.

“I love you too, you’re everything David,” Matteo said.

David just kissed him again and pulled him close. “Sleepy?” he whispered.

“Yeah, fucking exhausted,” Matteo admitted. He felt like he could sleep for the next ten years. The past few weeks had been a lot, and he finally felt like he could relax, but it was hitting him hard. He was probably going to be a bit quiet for a while, but David would get it. He could do the talking for a bit.

“Wore you out did I?” David teased.

“You know what wore me out? Being a bed for you last night. That pool was uncomfortable David,” he said, trying not to whine.

“I slept fine,” David said.

“You were on top of me,” Matteo pointed out.

“Well, you’re very comfortable,” David said.

Matteo rolled his eyes.

“Shall we sleep?” David asked.

“Yeah,” he murmured.

David sat up, and Matteo frowned as he watched him climb off the bed. He wandered over to the desk and turned the lamp off so only the one by the bed stayed on.

“What are you doing?” Matteo asked, watching David putting on his boxers. 

David just stared and raised an eyebrow, teasing. It was pretty obvious what he was doing. 

“Where are mine?” Matteo asked, instead of bickering.

“You don’t have to,” David said, handing them over and climbing back into the bed. 

Matteo pulled them on and lay down again.

“I don’t want to be naked if you’re not,” he said.

David smiled and lay next to him. Matteo reached out and ran his fingers over David’s binder, fiddling with the hem.

“Sorry I couldn't take it off,” David whispered. 

“‘S’ok,” Matteo said, still fidgeting. 

He’d held onto it earlier too, found it grounding. 

David’s hands had been on his back at that point, and he’d needed something to hold onto so he’d found himself grabbing at the fabric near his shoulders.

“I’m not supposed to,” David said, quietly, like he was confessing something. Matteo had known that too, had read it somewhere when he was trying to figure out how to be a good boyfriend for David.

“Yeah? For breathing?” he asked.

“Yeah,” David mumbled, ducking his head, a little embarrassed. 

Matteo couldn’t have that, shook his head and kissed him softly, lifting his face until he looked at him again.

“Did I hurt you?” he checked.

“No it’s... I’m getting better, but I used to be pretty bad. I wear one for PE sometimes,” David admitted. Clearly he knew how far he could push his body, so Matteo felt a bit better knowing he hadn’t hurt him. Still, he knew they shouldn’t have done that.

“Matteo you kept pulling at it, I thought you wanted to take it off, but I couldn’t Matteo,” he looked so uncomfortable now, and that wasn’t even what it was. Matteo hadn’t even thought of that.

“No David, I just like the fabric, how it feels,” Matteo tried to explain, knowing it sounded stupid, hoping David had seen him fiddling enough to understand what he meant. “I just like to fidget.”

David snorted then. “Sorry, but sex wasn’t distracting enough for you?”

“No,” Matteo muttered, “it wasn’t that. I was too distracted if anything. So much was going on. You know how I got after? That would’ve happened earlier otherwise,” he explained.

“Ok,” David said, smiling.

“I wasn't trying to take it off; I would never do that,” Matteo insisted. “It was better when you held my hand, but I think sometimes I need something to hold onto.”

“Ok. I think next time I’ll probably need to wear a t-shirt if that’s ok,” David said.

“That’s ok,” Matteo said.

“And you can hold onto it,” David said, grinning slightly, a little sheepish, as if he was relieved that Matteo wasn’t insisting he get naked.

He would never do that.

“Good,” he said firmly.

“Are you sure this is ok?”

“What?” Matteo asked gently; he could guess what David was going to ask.

“That I can’t be naked,” David mumbled.

Matteo had to admit he did like the way David’s skin felt against his own. He’d never experienced anything like that, but it was wonderful. Still, it was only good as long as David enjoyed it too. If he didn’t, it wouldn’t be worth it at all.

“We’re pretty naked right now,” Matteo said. “David, have you seen how many clothes I wear normally? This is… I know it’s a different feeling for you, but I was nervous about this too. I’m not shy of my body or anything, it’s just being naked like that is scary, and it was so comforting to know that you didn’t want to just strip off and get on with it. I couldn’t have done that. Do you know what’s more sexy than you being naked?”

David frowned. “What?”

“You being comfortable, you enjoying it. I know the binder meant we had to be careful with your breathing and we shouldn’t have done it. Hopefully next time you feel more comfortable without it. Otherwise, I don’t think we can. But you were more comfortable than you would’ve been without it right?”

Matteo had to hope this was a first-time nerves thing, that David would trust him enough to put his safety first next time.

“Yeah so much,” David whispered.

“Then that’s fine because if you’re uncomfortable it’s not good for you and if it’s not good for you it’s not good for me, ok?”

“Ok yeah… Matteo I can’t take it off, I’m supposed to but right now I can’t. I’ll try later but I can’t right now. I know we just had sex and shared all that intimacy, literally there are no secrets now, but right now I feel so…”

“Vulnerable?” Matteo guessed.

“Yeah,” David said.

“God me too, I’ve never felt bare like this,” Matteo said.

“It’s wonderful, but I think I’m at my limit, next time I think if I get changed first, it will be ok,” David said.

That made sense, if he made himself comfortable before they started. And Matteo would do everything he could to help. He nodded, he wasn’t going to push David, he had to trust him on this, that he knew his limits. 

He knew it was more complicated than he could ever hope to understand, but all he could try to do was comfort him. Check in and make sure he didn’t hurt himself, maybe even insist sometimes but right now if David was feeling anywhere near as vulnerable as he felt it would hurt more. They’d never lain together without him wearing a binder. 

Actually technically they had, last night at the pool David had had to take a break but it was so cold they were in their coats anyway, both of them just shapeless blobs. 

But this was different, they’d just had sex and everything was a little raw. Matteo could promise a thousand times that nothing would change, but in the frame of mind David was in right now, it wouldn’t get through.

“Will you be ok?”

David shrugged, but he seemed to relax, knowing Matteo wasn’t going to push.

“I was fine last time,” he said.

Matteo wasn’t so sure, he’d seemed ok both times they’d woken up together, hadn’t collapsed or anything, but he knew this would have to be the last one-off, even if it meant him not staying over, as painful as that prospect was.

“Were you?” he checked.

“No, I was in pain, but it’s worse, Matteo,” he insisted, “to be naked right now would be so much worse.”

“Ok ok, I’ll look after you, in the morning I’ll look after you,” he said.

Matteo didn’t know how it felt, what David was going through, but he had an idea of how he was feeling right now, exposed. He’d never felt so raw; it was almost painful. The only thing that was keeping him from breaking apart was David in his arms.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for not pushing,” David said, pressing a kiss to his bare shoulder.

“It’s ok,” Matteo said.

“I love you,” David said, immediately relaxing, so calm and comfortable. Matteo knew he was going to drop off to sleep soon; he was pretty close himself.

Matteo smiled; he didn’t think he’d ever get over those words. “I love you too,” he said, cuddling against him. 

He reached underneath David to get at the blankets, but David swatted his arm away. “What?” he demanded, put out at being smacked away like that.

“Too warm,” David mumbled.

“But David-”

“Too warm, just cuddle me you’ll be fine, you don’t need blankets,” David insisted. God he was a pain when he got sleepy. Gone was cool, mysterious David, in his place was whiney, childish David. Who mocked and teased him just as relentlessly.

“Good god, you’re annoying,” Matteo muttered.

“No you’re too sweaty, don’t want a blanket.” David hooked his leg over Matteo’s and pulled him even closer. He was right; they were pretty gross. To be honest, they should shower, but he was exhausted. He rarely slept without blankets, but they would probably suffocate tonight if he insisted on it.

“You should get the light,” David suggested, eyes closed now, completely comfortable against Matteo’s chest.

His boyfriend was seriously the most annoying person in the world; it was like as soon as he got sleepy, he became incapable of anything.

“I’ll leave them on,” Matteo said.

“Lazy,” David accused.

“No… just I know I’m safe it’s just… can we leave them on tonight? I don’t like the dark, and I’ve never stayed over before.” 

Last night at the pool had been pretty scary. His phone was dead now from leaving it on all night. He’d probably woken David up at least ten times, every time he heard a noise. David never got frustrated though, just tried to stay awake with him until he calmed down. He knew he was safer here than the pool, but he’d never really liked the dark. If David didn’t mind, he’d feel better if they left the lamp on. David opened his eyes and gazed softly at him, then just smiled and kissed his nose.

“You’re safe with me,” he promised, “but yeah, it’s ok.”

“Never felt so safe in my life,” Matteo agreed.

David’s eyes fell closed again, Matteo knew he was seconds from sleep. “Good, I’ll protect you from the dark,” David said.

“I think you’re delirious,” Matteo said.

“I’ve never felt as good as this,” David whispered, eyes staying closed this time.

Matteo just watched him drift off to sleep. Then continued to stare as he relaxed in his arms completely. He sighed. 

He couldn’t believe it was that easy, but then it made sense. It had taken a lot of pain and suffering to get to this point. Yes, it had been difficult for both of them figuring out what they wanted from each other. But even before that Matteo had been through a lot, he knew he’d gone through more than most children should. And David had suffered too, had been treated badly and let down by others. But right now everything was good. 

They got to be happy. They got to love each other and have fun and just be with each other. Learn everything about each other, what they liked, what they didn’t. Learn their bodies and how they fit together, learn all the different ways he could make David feel good and David would do the same for him. It would be so wonderful. 

He’d been so nervous of this, but David had made it so easy, made him feel so comfortable. He made sex feel like something they should always be doing, something they had always been doing. In some ways, it came naturally to him, and in others, it was a brand new feeling. He’d never known intimacy like this and was never going to give that up. He was going to develop it, take care of it, nurture it, all through loving David.

David sighed in his sleep. “Love you Matteo,” he whispered, as if he knew Matteo was thinking about him.

It wasn’t a difficult guess, Matteo was pretty sure he was always thinking about David. He kissed his forehead and then settled down, knowing he would sleep well with the weight of his boyfriend in his arms. David was right he didn’t need a blanket, he’d never been so comfortable as he was right now.


	2. darling, I don't want to let you down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first time had been wonderful, magical, tender and perfect. It was everything David had dreamt it would be. Then the next day, talking with him, being honest about his fears had been just as good. It was so good to hear Matteo confirm how he felt, that he loved David, thought he was perfect just the way he was. But it couldn't last, even Matteo's gentle reassurances couldn't keep his worries at bay forever. It was like he was at war with himself. On the one hand he just wanted to be with Matteo like that always, on the other he was terrfied of being so vulnerable, so naked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompts:
> 
> You once wrote in one of your fics how David needed to grow comfortable to Matteo always wanting to lay on his chest. Could you maybe write more about that? In the beginning David doesn't say that it makes him uncomfortable, then Matteo wakes up while David pushes him away (that's how you wrote it) and then Matteo ofc doesn't do it anymore. But both are not sleeping that good anymore. And David kinda misses it. And it's such a weird and confusing feeling?
> 
> I would really love to read something about David just not being able to not wear his binder in front of Matteo in the beginning of their relationship? And teo then says "your safety is more important to me than my comfort when I stay over" and just not sleeps over anymore?
> 
> Prompt: David the first real time on front of Matteo without his binder? During sex? Then talking a lot about it. Kinda a sequel to your last fic?
> 
> _So this is a direct continuation of the previous fic/chapter. Literally starts later the same day. I love continuing fics, especially these ones where they're still learning each other, still getting used to each other, there's so much to explore. And in a way it's nice to write the early days because it kind of explains how in the fics set a little later on, just why they are so comfortable with each other_

Last night had been amazing, wonderful, better than he could have ever expected. David had never felt comfortable like that, had never thought it was possible. He knew he loved Matteo, trusted him, wanted him. But he never thought he could have him, and he never thought he could be with him like that. Not yet, at least.

He’d tried so hard to stay away, tried to push him away, he’d almost ruined everything. After he’d sent those messages, he’d thought it was over. Then, with a bravery he hadn’t known he’d possessed, he went back to him. He went back and told him his truth. He took a risk and even though he knew it would be ok; it had been terrifying. Matteo had taken his time, but somehow David just knew it would be ok. He trusted Matteo; he knew how good he was. He’d thought he’d known how Matteo felt about him, knew he liked him, knew he wouldn’t throw this away. David hadn’t quite grasped the extent of Matteo’s feelings though, that quiet, unfaltering way in which he loved him. There was no doubt, no question for Matteo. He needed to work out what David’s truth meant for their relationship, not whether or not he wanted to be with him. That thought didn’t even occur to him. David still felt pretty overwhelmed by that, even though he felt the same. There was nothing about Matteo that would stop him loving him.

And so he’d trusted Matteo in a way he’d never trusted anyone. Because he’d wanted nothing more than for Matteo to know all of him. And he had, and it had been wonderful. David had never felt bliss like that, never felt so relaxed, never felt so good in his body. It didn’t even matter that he couldn’t be fully naked, Matteo hadn’t even blinked. He’d kissed his binder like he wasn’t wearing a thing. David hadn’t felt different or wrong, he’d felt amazing and it had been perfect.

That heady feeling wore off though, that excitement over their first time faded away. Because the evening was here and so was Matteo. He was still there, laying beside him. Not that David wanted him anywhere else.

Matteo had offered to go home so that David could sleep comfortably, but David wanted him there. He didn’t want to sleep alone, so he was going to try. David wanted to sleep with him always, but his chest was hurting. It had been for a few hours and on top of that he was feeling incredibly vulnerable. They hadn't talked about sex since last night, but he remembered promising to wear a t-shirt this time. He didn't feel up to that; he didn't feel up to sex at all if he was honest with himself. In the moment it had been wonderful, and he knew it could be again, but everything felt a little raw.

Matteo was pressed against him, restless and wriggling about, and David didn't know how to get out of this. He had no idea what Matteo was expecting tonight, but he didn’t think he could bear to see the disappointment on his face when he turned him down.

“Are we going to bed soon?” Matteo asked, not even pretending to pay attention to the movie David was showing him. David just nodded and tried to stay calm, he couldn’t speak yet or his voice would betray him.

“Ok gonna pee,” Matteo said, groaning and dragging himself from the bed.

David used the opportunity to quickly change out of his t-shirt and binder, and into his thickest hoodie. He opened the window to try and cool the room down and caught sight of his reflection. He stared at it and then down at himself for a moment. It was no good. He turned off all the lights, but then let out a noise of frustration when he remembered Matteo liked the lights on. He reluctantly turned on one lamp and hoped it was still dim enough that he would get away with it.

By the time Matteo came back in, David had gotten himself wound up worse than ever. He just pushed passed him, muttering something about going to bathroom as he went. David ended up staying in there as long as possible, just hoping Matteo would just fall asleep without him. He sat in the dark, head in his hands for at least ten minutes. He felt on edge and nothing he could do would calm him down.

When he came back out, Laura was waiting for him, looking worried. She took his hand and led him to her bedroom.

“Just checking that you're ok?”

David sat down beside her and stared straight ahead. “Yeah fine,” he insisted, but he’d never been able to lie to Laura. She always saw right through him.

She just raised an eyebrow and waited.

“I’m just delaying, I guess,” he admitted.

“Delaying what?”

“Sex,” he mumbled.

She actually rolled her eyes then. “Why?”

“Not feeling it,” he said.

“Then don't delay it, just don't have it,” she said.

“I don’t want to be a disappointment, Laura. Last night was incredible, Matteo is waiting in there for me and-”

“Last night doesn't matter, you know that, right? You don’t owe him sex, David,” Laura said.

“No, I know. This is me. Laura, I want to strip off all my clothes and go lay with him, I want to be that vulnerable. I want it, I want to have sex with him right now, but I can’t. I just can’t,” he said.

It made no sense at all. It was a complete contradiction, and he didn’t know how to get past this feeling. He was worried that he was going to end up frustrating Matteo.

“Hey hey,” Laura soothed.

“I want to feel comfortable with him, I want to feel like I did last night,” he said.

He wanted that feeling back again, but he didn’t know how he could when he felt like this. He couldn’t be brave again.

“But you can't force that, ok? It has to be at your own pace, but you can feel it without the afterglow of sex too. You’ve just got to get there, comfortable, I mean. But the best thing you can do is talk to him, yeah? Tell him how you feel. He’ll get it, you know he will,” Laura promised.

“Ok, thanks Laura,” he whispered. She just smiled and cuddled him close. She really was the best.

He pulled away to go back to Matteo, steeling himself for an uncomfortable conversation.

Matteo was still up and waiting for him with a lopsided smile. He knew what Laura had said. He knew what he’d planned to say, but David couldn't wipe that smile from his face. So instead he just crawled into the bed and tried not to let his nerves show.

“Ok?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David said, trying not to clench his jaw. He was so tense, and Matteo was going to feel it. He took a deep breath and tried to force himself to relax.

Matteo snuggled against him and closed his eyes. David frowned down at him. He was just going to sleep.

“Don't you want to have sex?” David whispered.

“God no, I want to sleep. Why? Do you?” Matteo asked, opening one eye to look at him. His expression making it clear he was about to go to sleep, and nothing was going to stop him.

David laughed then and smiled at him. He’d never thought about that, he had just assumed, which was stupid. He’d gotten too caught up in his own worries and hadn’t even considered what Matteo might want.

“I thought you wanted to, no actually I didn’t. I just… I didn’t feel up to it tonight, and I just assumed you did, I don’t even know why,” David said.

“Maybe in the morning,” Matteo mumbled.

“I don't know if I can,” David said.

“Good, I was being generous. I’m pretty sure I’m going to sleep until midday,” Matteo said.

David chuckled then. There was no pressure there, none at all. Of course, there wasn’t it was Matteo. Matteo would never pressure him. Just like he would never pressure Matteo. He could relax. Or he could at least stop worrying about sex. There was still the fact that Matteo was lying on his chest.

“You're stressed,” Matteo said quietly.

“I can't- I can't be naked,” David said.

“Ok, it's cool,” Matteo said.

“It means we can't have sex,” David warned.

“That's ok. You know that, right? We talked about this, I want you to be comfortable, David,” Matteo said.

“But I can't, I can't be like that,” he said. He felt beyond panicky now, even though he always felt safe with Matteo, it wasn’t enough anymore.

“David?” Matteo said gently.

“Yeah?”

“You're so tense,” Matteo said, cuddling closer. David knew he was trying to help, trying to make him feel more comfortable, but he was just making it worse.

“I’m fucking naked, Matteo,” David said, trying not to cry.

Matteo frowned and stared up at him for a long time. David had no idea what he was thinking, and it terrified him. When Matteo sat up and pulled away, David tried not to panic.

“Do you want me to leave?” Matteo asked.

David nodded reluctantly. He didn’t really, but he couldn’t sleep here with Matteo. Not without putting his binder back on, and he didn’t think his ribs could take it.

“Ok,” Matteo said, smiling at him and moving to the end of the bed.

David missed him immediately, he felt cold and lonely.

“Wait, no! I don't want you to go, Matteo,” David said.

“But you need me to, it's ok,” Matteo said, pulling on a t-shirt.

“I want you here,” David said, his voice surprisingly whiney.

“But I want you to sleep safely, I want you to be able to breathe, you can't do that with me here, can you?”

“No,” David admitted.

“Then I’ll go,” Matteo said simply.

“Matteo, I…”

“We can facetime?” Matteo suggested.

“That's stupid,” David said, smiling a little at his sappy boyfriend.

“Yeah but do you want to?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David admitted.

Matteo yawned and dragged himself from the bed. David watched him get dressed, smiling when he stole his sweater and put his own jacket over the top. Then Matteo came back to the bed and kissed him.

“Love you,” he mumbled against his lips.

“Love you too,” David said.

“Stay awake. I’ll call you when I’m home and then you can talk to me until I fall asleep,” Matteo said.

“Oh, I can, can I?” David said, amused now. Everything felt ok. Matteo just got him, knew what he needed, even if it wasn’t what he wanted.

“It helps me, listening to your voice, it makes me calm down, I could listen to you talk for hours,” Matteo said.

“Do you like my voice?” David asked, surprised.

“I do,” Matteo said.

“What do you like about it?”

“It’s… kinda low and… steady, I guess. But there’s a way you speak, it’s… I know you’re teasing me a lot, but I like it,” Matteo said, his cheeks a little pink.

“Ok, go quick and I’ll see you soon,” David said, but he was still gripping Matteo’s hands.

Matteo smiled and pulled free.

“And you have to come over tomorrow, remember? The boys are coming round for beers,” he said.

“And to meet me?”

“And to meet you and embarrass me and themselves,” Matteo said.

“I can't wait.” David grabbed him and kissed him again, hard, trying not to cling to him. He took a deep breath, then watched him leave.

Even though he was sad that Matteo had to leave, he still felt ok. He knew Matteo wasn’t mad at him; he knew they were ok. He also knew that he was so close to feeling comfortable with Matteo, that it wouldn’t be long before he was ok to stay over with him again. He sat there at the end of the bed, just waiting for Matteo to call. It wasn’t even that late really, his boyfriend was just extra sleepy. David smiled to himself as he waited for his call. What a sap he was becoming.

Five minutes later Laura knocked at his door and crept into the room.

“Ok? Did Matteo leave?” she asked, sitting down beside him.

He appreciated her checking on him, even though he was fine.

“Yeah, it’s funny. He didn't even want to have sex, just to sleep. I just couldn't relax with him here, I was scared of him seeing me,” David explained.

“So you kicked him out?”

“No, he said he would leave. He wants me to be comfortable. I didn’t want him to go but… I guess he had to, because otherwise I’ll do something dumb,” David said.

“He’s a sweetheart, that one,” Laura said.

“Yeah, he is,” David agreed, knowing he probably had a stupid sappy look on his face. He didn’t even care, Laura had seen worse.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, he'll ring when he's home. We'll facetime instead,” David told her.

She scoffed at that. “Good Lord, who are you and what have you done with my brother? Remember when you used to be cool? Aloof? Going to go it alone?”

“I just want him here Laura, this is the next best thing,” he said quietly.

“God, you're so gone,” she said, chuckling to herself. “It's a good thing,” she assured him.

“Laura?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m scared,” he whispered.

Laura wrapped her arm around him and pulled him closer.

“Of what?” she asked gently.

“I’m scared because... because I want to be that vulnerable. I want to give in and show him everything the thing is, I do feel comfortable. With him, I feel that comfortable. Am I making sense?”

He was rambling. He didn’t even know how to explain it. He didn’t think there were the words to explain how he felt about Matteo.

“You feel comfortable, but you're not ready to feel this comfortable,” Laura suggested.

“Yeah,” David agreed.

That was pretty much how he felt. He was already comfortable around Matteo, beyond what he’d ever expected. But it felt like everything was happening so quickly, and he just didn’t feel ready to be that vulnerable.

“Then all you need is time,” Laura said.

“And I have all the time in the world,” David said.

She raised an eyebrow. “Er... yeah, if you say so,” she said, clearly amused.

His phone rang, and he grabbed for it, frowning. Matteo had only been gone fifteen minutes, and there was no way he’d run in the sleepy state he was in.

“Are you home already?” David asked.

“Nearly, I just missed you,” he said quietly.

David smiled. “I missed you too,” he said.

Laura squeezed him tight and then left him to it. She looked back at him fondly and smiled. He waved her off. David supposed she’d been worried about him lately. Disappearing on her like that was pretty shitty. Plus, he wasn’t blind. He knew how different he must seem now, how much more relaxed he was. He could feel it in himself. He wasn’t different; he was just able to relax, enjoy things and be happy. He got why she was so relieved.

“I’m sorry I made you leave,” David said.

“You didn't, I volunteered, but er... I was thinking…”

“You wanna come back?” David asked. He knew he sounded hopeful, but he didn’t think he could handle that.

“Yes, but I won't. But tomorrow, can you stay over?” he asked.

“Matteo,” David warned.

“No wait, I’ll sleep on the floor… or we can spread out. But I can have the lights out in my room, so it's safer, right? Because I won't see anything. You can say no, just think about it, please. I’ll do anything you need to make you comfortable, but I like you being near,” Matteo said.

“I like you being near,” David said.

God, he was so gone. And what’s more, he didn’t care. He was happy and in love.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Love you,” Matteo said.

“Love you too,” David said.

“Ok, I’m home, just gimme a second and then we can switch to video,” Matteo said. Then there was a lot of huffing and shuffling, the sound of doors slamming and Matteo grumbling at Hans. A few minutes later Matteo appeared on the screen, grinning at him.

“Hey,” he said.

“Want a hug,” David murmured. He laid down and pulled the blankets over himself.

“You can have a hundred hugs tomorrow,” Matteo promised.

“You better give me a hundred hugs,” David warned.

“I just said I would. David, giving you hugs isn’t exactly a hardship,” Matteo said, closing his eyes and smiling sleepily.

“Miss you,” David said.

“Miss you too,” Matteo said.

The screen shook a little as Matteo settled himself down. David felt all achy without him there. He missed Matteo’s weight on him.

“Is it weird?” David asked.

“Probably,” Matteo said, shrugging but not opening his eyes.

“Who cares?”

“Who cares,” Matteo agreed.

“You’re falling asleep,” David teased.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

All David wanted to do was run his hands through his hair, sweep it out of his face and kiss him.

“You ok?” David checked. No matter what was going on with him and his own issues, he knew he needed to check in with Matteo, make sure he was ok too.

“No... er... I’m a bit tired, but like in my head? And I think by tomorrow I’ll be even more tired,” Matteo said.

“What does that mean for you?” David asked.

“I get quiet,” Matteo said.

David didn’t know how Matteo could get any quieter, really. Although that wasn’t quite true, Matteo was plenty loud when he wanted to be, could talk for hours when he wanted. And he seemed to want to with David. Whenever they were together, Matteo would chatter away to him. But David hadn’t missed the hesitation there either. The little pauses, waiting to see if David was still listening, if he was allowed to keep talking. David would listen to Matteo for hours, would always encourage him.

“Yeah?”

“And I don’t talk much, it's like... I was with you the past three days and it'll be a lot more tomorrow too, plus the boys. I want you here but I’m not going to be good company and I just…”

“Don’t worry about that, don’t worry about talking or keeping me entertained. I don’t need any of that, I just want to be with you,” David said.

“Oh. Yeah?”

“And we can text, like we did today?” David suggested.

He’d thought it was funny at first, when Matteo had texted him while laying beside him. He’d been quiet then, had tried to pass it off as laziness, but David wasn’t fooled. Matteo wasn’t lazy. He just had less energy than most, social and physical. David would text him if he couldn’t talk, that wasn’t a problem.

“Yeah, I like that, it's a bit easier,” Matteo said.

“Good, we'll do that then if you get too tired. Or we can just cuddle and not say anything, I’m happy to spend my time with you in silence if it means we’re together,” David said.

“Or you can talk, and I’ll listen,” Matteo suggested.

“We can do that too,” David said.

“Perfect,” Matteo said.

“Ok, settle down,” David said gently.

“Huh?”

“Get comfortable Matteo, I’m going to talk until you fall asleep,” David said, making sure he was comfortable too.

“Oh yeah, good,” Matteo mumbled.

Matteo shuffled again and propped his phone up on the pillows. He settled down and closed his eyes. David wanted nothing more that to reach out and stroke his messy hair from his face, wanted nothing more than to curl around Matteo. He would. Soon he would, he knew it.

The next day, after the boys had finally left, David and Matteo ended up drifting off on the sofa until Hans came home and woke them up. He did so by complaining loudly about the mess the boys had left. It was getting dark in the apartment by that point, so David hushed him and rolled Matteo off him, so that he was lying down.

Then he got up and started clearing up the beer bottles.

“You're too good to him,” Hans said.

“Don't say that,” David warned.

“I said too good _to_ him, not for him. He'll never learn to clean up for himself if you do it for him,” Hans said.

David just rolled his eyes. His boyfriend was perfectly capable of clearing up, he was just tired. Maybe he was a bit of a slob, not up to Hans’ cleaning standards perhaps, but who cared? David wasn’t much better; Laura would certainly attest to that.

“You do it,” David said.

“Touché.”

“He's had a rough few days, weeks even. Just let me take care of him,” David said, turning to Matteo and smiling at his sleeping boyfriend.

“You've had a rough few weeks,” Hans said.

“I’ve had a rough few years,” David said heavily.

“Doing ok though? With school?” Hans checked.

David knew he did this for Matteo, kept an eye on him. It was similar to the way Laura was with him. It was nice that he was extending the same to David.

“It's just stress, you know?” David said, sitting down on the table. He felt like ranting and thought Hans was probably a pretty good listener. “I was so close to getting through it, making it through without anyone knowing about me,” he said.

“And without anyone knowing _you_?” Hans asked.

“It's hard,” he admitted.

“I know, not exactly, but I know it's hard keeping secrets and to do that, you have to be someone else almost,” Hans said.

“It's exhausting, I have to be this cold, moody guy,” David said. He hated that, hated being cold, hated pushing everyone away. It was terribly lonely. He could cope with being alone, but he didn’t much like being lonely.

“That's not who you are at all, is it?”

“No, like I’m not Mr Sunshine or anything but I’m-”

“The cutest,” Matteo said sleepily.

“Excuse me?” David demanded.

“And so fun and kind and your smile is like sunshine,” Matteo said, sitting up and beaming at him. “You're so fucking far from cold, you're the warmest man I’ve ever met. I’ve never felt as safe or as comfortable with anyone as I do you, and I couldn’t if you were cold. I’ve never thought you were cold, not even when you were pretending. I always saw you, David.”

David just closed his eyes for a second, he didn’t really want to get emotional in front of Hans. “Jesus,” he muttered.

Matteo certainly had a way with words. He was so thoughtful, chose them so carefully, and ended up saying some breathtaking things sometimes.

Hans just winked at David. “Tidy your mess butterfly,” he said to Matteo.

Matteo nodded and pulled himself up off the couch. He started to collect up the bottles without complaint. David smirked at Hans, then got up to help him.

When they were done, David took Matteo's hand and led him to his room.

“Want to eat?” he asked him.

Matteo shook his head.

“Want to sleep?”

Matteo just blinked slowly. He hadn’t really woken up properly. David was starting to feel sleepy too, Matteo’s sleepiness was pretty contagious.

“How about we put on some music and relax?” David suggested, “we can cuddle, and I’ll get some snacks in case we get hungry later.”

“Ok, that sounds nice,” Matteo said, sitting down on the end of the bed.

“I’m just going to get changed, get into bed Matteo,” David said.

He left Matteo slowly getting ready and headed to the bathroom. He didn't take as long this time, knowing Matteo was practically asleep. He was relaxed and comfortable. He just quickly stripped off his shirt and binder. He pulled on a loose-fitting t-shirt and a heavy sweater he’d found in Matteo's room. It smelled nice, like Matteo, and he wrapped himself up in it and headed back to his boyfriend. When he got back into Matteo’s room, he tossed his clothes into the corner where Matteo seemed to keep his clothes, then turned to Matteo and smiled.

“You'll be hot,” Matteo observed.

“Can I open the door? Let it cool down?” David asked.

“Yeah, but then you have to let me use blankets David, I’m not getting pneumonia,” Matteo grumbled.

“Drama queen,” David teased.

Matteo stuck out his tongue and pulled a blanket up to his chin. David rolled his eyes and laid down beside him.

“I’ll keep you warm,” David promised. “Music?”

Matteo reached over him and opened his laptop, clicking around until soft instrumental music filled the room. David was already pretty relaxed, but the soothing melody was very calming.

“What's this?” he asked.

“Dunno just a playlist I found. It helps when I get panicky, you know? Like when I get overwhelmed,” Matteo explained.

David leant over and pressed a few gentle kisses to Matteo’s lips. “It's nice,” he said.

“I think it's from video games, soundtracks and stuff,” Matteo mumbled against his lips.

“I like it,” David said.

“No sex tonight,” Matteo checked, finally opening his eyes properly and smirking at him.

David just laughed; he was so cheeky sometimes.

“Cus I’m tired,” Matteo clarified.

“I can tell,” David said, reaching out and stroking the hair from his face. “I was scared, you know, last night,” he admitted.

“Of what?” Matteo asked.

“That you would want sex all the time because we had sex the night before, I got scared you would want it and I wasn’t ready, because I’m not ready to be naked with you. I am nearly, but I dunno, it’s stupid, and I got scared.”

“But I do want sex with you all the time,” Matteo said.

“You do?”

“Nah… I don’t think I’m wired that way. But also, I’m usually too tired,” Matteo said with a grin.

David laughed loudly at that, jostling Matteo with him. He leant over and kissed him again.

Matteo blinked slowly and smiled at him.

“I guess it's the same for me except instead of tired, I’m scared, I’m not scared of you, I’m scared of you seeing me. But I do trust you, I dunno it’s really complicated,” David said.

“It’s cool, there’s no pressure from me, David,” Matteo said.

“I know Matteo, I know. It’s why I’m so comfortable.”

“Just so you know, you might get more and more comfortable until you’re horny and wanting sex all the time, but I’m still going to be tired,” Matteo warned.

“We'll have to make sure you get plenty of sleep so you're not too tired,” David suggested.

“Oh, we will, will we?” Matteo asked.

“Yep,” David said.

“David?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s not just the tiredness… I don’t… sometimes...”

“I know Matteo, no pressure,” David said gently, kissing his nose at the relief on his face.

Because he got it, Matteo had his own boundaries and he didn’t even know what they were yet, he was figuring them out, but David would never push it. They would work it out together.

Matteo reached out and took his hand. “Shall we sleep then?”

David smiled. “I need you to stick you your side,” he warned.

“I will, I’m not moving, are you ok?”

“Just about,” David said.

He was starting the get tense again. This was nothing to do with Matteo really, just his own discomfort and dysphoria making itself known again.

Matteo rubbed his hand with his thumb.

“Relax,” he whispered.

He tried to, he really did but he just couldn't he felt completely exposed, even though he wasn’t at all.

Matteo sighed and leant over the bed, pulling out a pillow from somewhere.

“Why do you have so many pillows?” David asked, putting it across his chest and letting himself relax again.

“Better?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, a little,” David said.

“I dunno I just have a lot, I brought them from home,” Matteo said.

“Fair enough,” David said, pulling it tighter against himself. He didn’t feel brilliant, but he felt relaxed enough to sleep.

“Night David, love you,” Matteo said.

“Love you too, Matteo,” David said.

He watched Matteo until he fell asleep, then shuffled closer, pressing a few gentle kisses to his eyelids until he smiled in his sleep. Then he settled down beside him. He wasn't scared at all. He was uncomfortable sure, but he wasn’t afraid to share a bed with Matteo. He would be uncomfortable alone in his own bed, he had been last night. This wasn’t about Matteo, and having him near, watching him sleep was just nice. He wanted to be here with him.

When David woke up, Matteo was already awake, which surprised him. He was just laying there smiling at him. Patiently waiting for him to wake up. David didn’t know why he was surprised; Matteo had woken up before him the other day too.

David startled when he realised he'd pulled off the sweater in the night. He hadn't even thought of that. He must've gotten warm, even with the windows open. He always did run hot. He felt very vulnerable. The loose t-shirt, which he’d thought was pretty thick last night, now felt like it might as well be see through. Matteo was still wrapped up in all his blankets, David may as well have been naked.

But he didn't panic. There was always something a little magical about waking up with Matteo. David would’ve thought the cover of darkness that night provided would've been when he felt safest. But that wasn't the case. He always felt safe with Matteo, no matter what time it was. The early hours of the morning though, with the weak morning sun streaming into the room, bathing them in a pale glow. That was when he felt the safest he'd ever felt.

“Morning,” he whispered.

Morning Matteo said, grinning back at him, cheeks still pink from sleep and eyes warm and fond. He looked so pleased, like he didn’t quite believe he really got this. David knew exactly how he felt.

He couldn’t do anything but kiss him. And then kiss him again. And again.

He pulled the blankets from Matteo, then he kept kissing him and kissing him until he felt Matteo's hand wandering. At first just roaming over his back, but eventually to the hem of his t-shirt. They stopped there, and Matteo pulled back to check he was ok.

David took a deep breath and rested his forehead on Matteo's. He rolled them so that he was lying on top of Matteo. There was no way Matteo couldn't feel his chest the way they were laying. But he didn't say anything, just blinked up at him, eyes wide and amazed. He wasn't sleepy anymore; he was wide awake and staring up at him, cheeks pink for another reason now.

David reached for Matteo’s hands and moved them under his shirt, closing his eyes at the feeling of Matteo's hand against his bare skin. It was warm and dry. It felt good against his skin. Matteo's hands trailed higher and higher, tracing David's back with purpose.

David sighed and squeezed his eyes closed tighter for a moment. He wanted this. More than anything he wanted this, probably only right now in this moment, but that didn’t make it any less real.

“Keep your eyes closed,” David whispered.

Matteo nodded.

David sat up and pulled off his shirt before laying back down on Matteo. But it was no good laying against Matteo when he had his jumper on. He huffed and pulled Matteo up to get at his jumper and pull it off him. Matteo kept his eyes closed while David pulled him about. He just laid back down and pulled David back against him.

“You're so warm,” he murmured.

“Better than any blanket?” David asked, pressing a kiss to his nose. “You can open your eyes,” he said, pulling the blankets up over them.

“Yeah,” Matteo breathed, blinking slowly. He ran his hands up David's back, and then down his sides, touching everywhere he could, making David shudder and push harder against Matteo. He let Matteo’s hands continue to explore him. Right now, pressed against Matteo like this, he felt completely comfortable.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

“Are we gonna have sex?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David breathed.

“Need a minute?” Matteo checked.

This wonderful boy. That was the reason he always felt so comfortable because Matteo would always check that he did. He did need a minute, but not because he was uncomfortable.

“I need to calm down,” David admitted.

Matteo giggled. “I’ve barely touched you,” he whispered.

David just shifted and ran his hands down to the waistband of Matteo’s boxers, causing him to suck in a sharp breath.

“I’ve barely touched you,” David teased.

“David,” Matteo whispered.

“Ok?” David checked.

“So ok,” Matteo breathed, gasping as David kissed his jaw and then began to trace his lips down his chest. David grinned against his skin when Matteo gripped at his hair.

He felt completely comfortable. And what’s more, he knew he wasn't going to; he knew that the nervous discomfort was going to come back, but it didn't matter. It would pass again, and he could be comfortable and intimate with his boyfriend. Right now, nothing mattered but Matteo shaking under him. Matteo who loved him exactly as he was, just like he loved Matteo.

He believed him when he said David was perfect because David felt the same way.

After, when they lay together trying to calm down, David still felt pretty comfortable, although the dysphoria was slowly creeping back in as the high from sex faded. But he was ok. There was nowhere he would rather be than here in Matteo’s arms.

He didn't move, just continued to stare at Matteo. Matteo stared back, more present this time around but still a little out of it.

“Ok?” Matteo murmured, eventually.

“I want to hide,” David admitted quietly.

“Are you just being stubborn right now?” Matteo asked.

He was, he was desperately trying to hold on to that comfortable feeling, but it was fading fast.

“Yeah, can I have the blankets?” David asked.

They’d kicked them off in the heat of the moment, but now he wanted to be covered again.

“Oh, now you want the blankets,” Matteo teased, but he pulled the blankets over both of them. “Ok?”

“You can feel it? My chest?” David asked.

“Er… yeah, want the pillow?”

“No, it's not unbearable or anything. I don’t want you seeing yet, but this is ok. What does it feel like?” he asked.

“Like cuddling with a radiator, I love it,” Matteo said, snuggling closer.

“Fuck off,” David muttered. He knew he ran hot, but Matteo was exaggerating. Still, it was nice that he could warm him up.

“Seriously, how are you always so warm?”

David just rolled his eyes. “You’re warm too dumbass, we just had sex,” he said. “Could you tell me how it feels, for real?”

Matteo closed his eyes and thought about it, his arms wrapping tight around David as he did.

“Soft I guess, softer than my chest I mean, more like your stomach, but softer,” he murmured.

“Oh,” David said quietly.

“Sorry I didn’t mean-”

“No don't be, I wanted you to be honest,” David said, stopping his backtracking. He never wanted Matteo to be afraid to be honest.

“Oh ok. Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Is it bad?” David asked.

“No, I do like it, it’s soft, but it’s not a bad thing. I know you don’t like it.”

“No, I mean I don’t like my chest but it’s more than that, you know that right?”

“I think so, but you could you explain it? You don’t like your chest because of what it represents, right? Because it shouldn’t be there?”

“That’s kind of it, yeah. It’s hard to describe, but it’s very uncomfortable. Sometimes I can deal, sometimes it’s unbearable. But overall, it’s just this feeling, it’s like my chest doesn’t belong to me.”

“That’s why you want to have top surgery? I mean need, right?”

“Yes, to make it right, to make me look how I’m supposed to, without having to hide or wear binders,” David said.

“Ok, that makes sense. Thank you for explaining, sorry if I don’t get this stuff,” Matteo said.

“You’re allowed not to get it, and you’re allowed to ask, you always ask from a place of care and that’s ok. There will be times when I just can’t answer, and you can’t push ok?”

“Ok… but David sometimes I get stupid and I’m scared I’ll ask too many stupid questions and scare you away. Sometimes I don’t think quickly enough, and I push, like when you asked for space.”

Matteo was getting wound up, and David couldn’t have that. He shifted and held Matteo close. He didn’t mean for it to happen but somehow Matteo with his head resting on David’s chest. It was high up, his forehead against the crook of his head, his ear pressed against David’s sternum. The weight of his head felt nice against him, heavy and calming.

“It’s not stupid, I know you pushed me before and I reacted badly, but that’s because I was keeping secrets. I won’t keep secrets from you anymore, I won’t be able to talk to you about everything, but I won’t just shut you out either. I will explain that I can’t talk about stuff, you won’t push, I know you won’t,” David said.

“Is this ok? Lying like this. I like it, I can feel your heartbeat like this it relaxes me,” Matteo said.

“Doesn’t take much,” David said, stroking a hand through his hair.

“Rude,” Matteo said.

They lay there together for a while, until David couldn’t lay there any longer.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“I need to get dressed,” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said, but he made he made no attempt to move.

“Matteo,” David said.

“Sleepy,” Matteo murmured, cuddling closer.

“Matteo, it's morning we need to get up anyway,” David said.

“No,” Matteo whined.

David just huffed and shoved him away. “I’m going to take a shower,” he said, sitting up.

“Why?” Matteo asked.

“Because we stink,” David said.

“But it's just us,” Matteo said.

“Jesus Matteo,” David said, laughing to himself.

“But we don't have to go anywhere,” Matteo said.

“I’m going to shower and then you're going to shower and make me breakfast,” David said.

“What? No?”

David just chuckled and pulled on some old clothes of Matteo's. He waved at Matteo and headed to the shower. He smiled to himself. He felt pretty damn good if he was honest with himself. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time. He took a longer shower than usual, just revelled in the heat, but eventually he had to get back to his boyfriend.

As he suspected, Matteo was fast asleep, completely surrounded by his blankets. David rolled his eyes and rooted through his wardrobe for something clean to wear. He scoffed when he saw all the nice clothes Matteo had, fancy shirts and skinny jeans all shoved to one side. His boyfriend definitely preferred comfort over fashion. If he wanted to wear baggy pants and oversized sweaters, David wasn’t going to complain. He was going to get him dressed up in these at least once though. He was happy to laze about with Matteo; he was no party animal himself. But he quite fancied going out dancing with Matteo, with their friends.

It should’ve surprised him, this change in him. Except it wasn’t a change, he just had people to share these experiences with. It was all so wonderful, and he couldn’t stop smiling to himself. This was really his life now.

He pulled on a plain blue shirt and some grey shorts, then went over to the bed and jumped on it.

“What is wrong with you?” Matteo grumbled.

“Matteo, it's like ten come on,” David insisted.

“I’m tired,” Matteo whined, but there was something underlying in it, David could hear the genuine exhaustion in his voice.

David reached out and stroked his face.

“Really tired, David,” Matteo said quietly.

“Ok,” David said.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“It's ok, do you want to go back to sleep?”

Matteo sighed a world-weary sigh and sat up. “No, I don’t want to sleep all day. I’m good I just…”

“Let's have a slow day,” David suggested.

“Yeah,” Matteo said. He looked so relieved that David just wanted to wrap him up in his arms and curl up in bed again.

His stomach wasn’t having any of that.

“But you can still feed me?” David asked.

“I can still feed you. You're only getting toast, mind,” Matteo warned.

“How generous. You wanna take a shower first? I can wait,” David said.

“Ugh yeah, I guess,” Matteo said, dragging himself up from the bed.

David watched him go, then headed to the kitchen where he found Hans at the coffee machine. He handed David a cup, and he took it gratefully.

“Morning,” he said.

“Morning Hans,” David said.

“Up before noon, eh?” Hans said, grinning wickedly.

David just smiled and shook his head.

“We're just going to have a quiet day,” David told him.

“You ok?”

“Er… yeah, but I have a meeting with the school principal tomorrow,” David told him. He was feeling pretty nervous about it. He was trying to ignore it, but every time he thought about it he was hit with spikes of anxiety.

“Scared?”

“Yeah and annoyed too, just... it’s everything extra I have to do, you know?”

“I know it's hard, but you keep fighting. I hope it works out, and that you get to do your exam correctly,” Hans said kindly.

“I don't know why you'd want to,” Matteo said, walking into the kitchen. He was wearing sweats and his hair was still wet, but David thought he looked cute all pink from the hot water.

“Huh?”

“If you refuse to do the exam, then you don't have to run around or lift weights or whatever,” Matteo said, grabbing the bread and beginning to get started on breakfast.

“Yeah, because that's what I do, just prance around the gym lifting weights,” David said.

“Isn't it?” Matteo asked. He put some bread on to toast and then started absentmindedly nibbling at another slice.

“You’ve seen me in PE,” David reminded him, “and it’s a two-hour physical by the way. Plus, a two-hour paper, which I’ve already done.”

“Jesus, why?” Matteo groaned.

David didn’t know why he was complaining, he didn’t have to do the exam. “The girls’ physical is only an hour, that's what Neuhaus wants me to do,” David said.

“But…”

“But?”

“Wouldn’t that be unfair? Like obviously it’s unfair on you, you’re a boy and you should do the correct exam but like… I dunno you’re on testosterone, you’ll just be too good you know? Like too strong and stuff. But also, I don’t really even you’re separated because last time I went to PE it was mixed so… I dunno,” he trailed off and turned to the toaster and started to fidget with it.

David was starting to get used to all his little tells. He was nervous about rambling, nervous about saying the wrong thing. David agreed with everything he’d said though, he just wasn’t going to tell him that yet. Instead, he hooked his chin over Matteo’s shoulder.

“When was that primary school?” he asked.

“Last year you dick,” Matteo said.

David kissed his cheek. “Did you actually participate?”

“Sometimes. I mostly sat at the edge and watched everyone was playing volleyball and stuff, but... I’ve watched you playing football with Sara and Leonie? You all play together,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, it's just the final exam they separate us,” David said.

“So, it's dumb?”

“Yeah, it's dumb,” David agreed, squeezing him tight.

“It's like… dumb against the girls because it's saying they're not strong but... I can see your side too, it's the same argument really, you should be assessed correctly. But then the girls should also get a fairer assessment, don’t you think maybe separating you by strength and fitness rather than sex would be fairer? And to be honest, a two-hour physical sounds barbaric. They should definitely stop doing that,” Matteo said, handing David a plate of toast.

David smiled at him. His clever boyfriend. David had no idea why Matteo was always so hesitant about speaking, David always wanted to hear what he had to say. Well, he did know why, knew Matteo had probably been shut down too often. And yeah, he did say stupid shit sometimes, but he always took it on board when he was corrected. All it took was a little patience.

“When was the last time you ran around butterfly?” Hans teased.

“I play table tennis,” Matteo said.

“Oh yeah?”

“And basketball sometimes,” Matteo said, grabbing his own plate of toast.

“You play basketball?” David asked, surprised.

“No. No, I don't,” Matteo said, shaking his head.

“We're playing basketball,” David decided.

“No,” Matteo said.

“It'll do you good,” David said.

“I’m too sleepy,” Matteo said, stuffing toast into his mouth.

“Tired him out, did you?” Hans asked cheekily.

“Go away, Hans,” Matteo said.

“Going butterfly,” Hans said, sweeping out of the kitchen, ruffling Matteo's hair as he went.

“Don't worry, we can just cuddle up on the sofa all day,” David said.

“We can go out if you want,” Matteo mumbled

“No, I’m good just want to be with you,” David promised.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, of course,” David said.

“I just want to be with you too,” Matteo said.

“Then we're good,” David said.

“David, it's like... so much has happened and... I don't think I was doing good, before when we met so it's like... “

“You need a bit of time to recover?”

“Yeah exactly, I’m just, I’m not physically tired but... the idea of going out, talking to people… I just… I can't today. I can talk to you, to Hans, but no one else today,” Matteo said.

He looked so apologetic, David just smiled at him, trying to reassure him. “It's fine, we have nowhere to be. Tomorrow I have to go to the school to see the principal, but that’s it,” he said.

“I’ll come with you,” Matteo said.

“You don't have to,” David insisted.

“But I will, you need me it's chill,” Matteo said.

David was tempted to brush it off, make out he was fine, that he could do it alone. And he could. But he didn't want to. He wanted Matteo to come with him, ease his nerves, just be there with him. It wouldn’t make it any easier, but it would be nice not to do it alone. So, he just kissed his cheek and took his hand, leading him back to his room.

Despite saying he didn’t want to sleep, Matteo slept most of the day, just laid there against David while he chattered about this and that. Every time David thought he was asleep he would stop talking, but Matteo would wake and make him continue, David couldn't remember talking this much in a long time. He loved it, he'd never talked like this, just shared random crap, talked about stuff he liked, stuff he was scared of. Matteo would listen to it all, chip in every now and then, but mostly just listen. It was David's turn to speak now.

Still, despite the slow and lazy day, night came around quicker than he was expecting and with it his anxiety and dysphoria. It returned slowly as the time ticked on and he lay there with Matteo, trying to decide whether or not to go back home. He didn't want to, especially as Matteo was coming with him to school. He didn’t want to cause a fuss. But he also just didn’t want to leave. He was comfortable.

“Are you ok?” Matteo whispered.

“It's late,” David said.

“Are you staying?” Matteo asked.

“I don't know,” David admitted. He felt so conflicted, so torn.

“I’m awake now,” Matteo said, stretching out then settling back on David.

“Really?”

“Nah, I’ll still sleep, I think I’ll be ok by tomorrow, more energetic I think, just needed a few days of nothing,” Matteo said.

“Good, that's good,” David said, still mentally weighing up his options.

“So bed? Wanna watch a movie?” Matteo asked.

“I don't know.”

Matteo just groaned and got out of bed. He immediately tripped and cursed as he stumbled into the desk.

David giggled and relaxed a little.

“Ok, let's go to bed,” David said, getting up. He would be fine to stay. He knew Matteo would give him space if he needed it. “I’m gonna change,” he said, grabbing a shirt and sweater and heading to the bathroom.

He sighed heavily, already tiring of this. It was like his brain and his body were at war. He was comfortable with Matteo, had been completely open with him, had shown him everything even, but now suddenly he couldn't cuddle up with him. It wasn’t fair. He shook his head and pulled on the hoodie, anyway. When he got back into Matteo's bedroom, he threw his stupid binder aside and flung himself onto the bed dramatically.

Matteo just sat watching him from the armchair where he was sitting rolling a joint.

“That wise?” David asked.

“Just one, I’m feeling good. I just want to chill, wanna share?”

“Ok,” David said. Maybe it would help him relax.

Matteo came back over to the bed and sat down beside him. David rolled onto his back and watched him. It was cool in the room; the balcony doors were already thrown open. David traced his fingers over Matteo's bare arms, watching the skin prickle. “Cold?” he asked.

Matteo shrugged and held the joint to his lips, lighting it then offering it to David. He took it and inhaled deeply, wincing at the ache in his ribs, his back, his shoulders.

“Ok?”

“Sore,” David admitted.

“Might help,” Matteo suggested.

David chuckled. “It just might, kinda counterintuitive though, hurts to smoke it,” he said.

“Your ribs?”

“Yeah,” David said, taking another hit.

“Huh.” Matteo reached out slowly, carefully, and when David didn't say anything he reached under David's sweater. David stiffened; he couldn’t help it. Matteo stopped.

“No, it's ok,” David said.

“Sure?”

“Yeah,” David took another hit, while Matteo ran his hands over his ribs gently at first then pressing harder, causing David to groan.

“Sit up,” Matteo mumbled.

David did and Matteo moved so that he was sitting behind him, knees either side of him. He continued to run his hands up and down his sides, easing the ache a little. When he hooked his chin over David's shoulder, David held the joint to his lips and watched him inhale. He continued to watch as Matteo's eyes got heavier and glazed over slightly. He became more and more relaxed, his hands wandering further and further. David just laid against him, let him soothe away the aches of the day. They just sat there quietly, sharing the joint and letting their worries fade away for a while.

“This is nice,” Matteo murmured.

“Yeah, it is,” David agreed.

“I never thought it would be like this,” Matteo said.

“Like what?”

“This... comfortable... I’m so comfortable with you. I... just being with you like this. This is beautiful, David,” Matteo murmured.

“It is, god it's beautiful, I love you so much Matteo. Can we sleep like this?”

“Sitting up?”

“No idiot, with you behind me like this,” David clarified.

“Yeah, ok,” Matteo said, taking one last hit and putting the joint out in an old beer bottle. He laid them down and reached across David to pass him the pillow, then wrapped him up in his arms.

It felt so wonderful, laying together like this. David didn’t know if it was the weed or just Matteo, or a combination of both, but he felt completely safe. He fell asleep in minutes.

They fell asleep in one position and woke up in another. Somehow they ended up shifting until Matteo's head was pillowed on his chest. And again, David had discarded his hoodie. He probably woke and pulled it off, and that's when they ended up reshuffling. Except this time David couldn't sleep through till morning, Matteo was too restless, probably from sleeping all day.

Slowly David woke as Matteo kept shuffling and shifting against him. It was one thing to lie like that after sex. This was different. He couldn’t lie there with Matteo on his chest all night. He tried, but when Matteo shuffled for the fourth time, David pushed him away.

He watched his boyfriend roll away and then laid there feeling a little bereft, missing Matteo's weight immediately. This was all so hard. And so stupid, they’d literally lain together naked. Why couldn’t he do this? All he wanted to do was cuddle Matteo close, lay with him like they had that night they first kissed.

That had been wonderful, he'd wanted to lie with Matteo like that every night. He knew one day he would be able to, but he wanted it now. Still, all he could do was wait it out. For now, he turned on his side and watched Matteo sleep, slowly relaxing enough to fall back asleep himself.

The thing was though; it kept happening. Every night, Matteo kept drifting to him in his sleep and David kept pushing him away. David didn’t always wake up, but every time did, pushing Matteo away hurt more and more. He felt so torn and conflicted. He wanted to cuddle Matteo, but he also wanted to be comfortable in himself. Except the thing was, he was comfortable with Matteo always, so he didn't know what was stopping him. It was frustrating him to no end.

This went on for a few weeks. David knew he needed to talk to Matteo about this, rather than suffer in silence, but he was still hoping he was just going to get over it.

In the end, after two weeks of suffering in silence, Matteo took the matter out of his hands.

“What's wrong?” he whispered.

“Nothing,” David said, gritting his teeth.

“You're all tense,” Matteo said.

“You're laying on me, on my fucking chest,” David snapped, and then winced at his tone.

Matteo jumped a little and blinked up at him. “Oh sorry,” he said, pulling away slightly and then rolling onto his back. “Sorry,” he said again.

“You do it every night,” David said.

“I...”

“You can't help it, it's in your sleep,” David said.

“Still sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“Why do you do it?” David asked. He knew there probably wasn’t a reason. It was just something he did in his sleep, unaware.

“I... it's dumb,” Matteo said.

“Tell me,” David insisted.

“No, you'll get upset,” Matteo said.

David stared at him. He looked so uncomfortable, so tense. David knew he should comfort him, but he was starting to get stressed, he was worried about Matteo’s reasoning.

“Now I’m getting upset anyway,” David said.

“Just... it reminds me of my mum,” Matteo said quietly. He looked at David nervously.

“Really not fucking helping Matteo,” David muttered.

Matteo just squeezed his eyes closed and took a deep breath. David knew he needed to stay calm and hear Matteo out, but it was hard. What Matteo was saying was stressing him out.

“No, just… I told you before it's a comfort thing. It’s not… I’m not saying you look like her or like a woman David… I… that’s not… David-”

“Hey, I’m listening, I’m not mad,” David said, taking Matteo’s hands. He was stressed, but he wasn’t mad at Matteo.

“Ok. See when I was little, everything was so loud and bright to me. It was like I could hear every little sound and all the lights made my eyes burn and sometimes it would feel like my head was going to explode. I would scream with it. And my mum would just scoop me up and lay me against her chest and she would cover my other ear and I would close my eyes and all I could hear was her heartbeat, just this steady beat and I could calm down. I’m sorry. I think it's just a comforting sound to me. It doesn't really get that bad anymore, or… I cope better now. But I just remember that night we kissed; everything was so intense for me. Do you remember? I was so close to overwhelmed and you pulled me against your chest you cuddled me close,” Matteo said.

David smiled at him. He remembered that night. At the pool Matteo had barely spoken. When they got back to his flat, he wasn’t much better. They got into his room and Matteo just stood there staring at him for several minutes, seemingly stunned. It should’ve been uncomfortable, but it wasn’t. David waited, but when he realised Matteo wasn’t going to move, that perhaps he couldn’t. So, he’d just taken Matteo’s hand and led him over to the bed. He just laid down and wrapped Matteo up in his arms. They’d shuffled and moved a lot in the night but had ended up with Matteo’s head on his chest, David’s hand in his hair. It had been wonderful to lie with him like that.

“I... you were really quiet,” David said.

“I was, and you just held me. And… for the first time in a long time I felt safe, like nothing else mattered, and it was fleeting but... I think I just keep trying to get it back. It’s not that you remind me of my mum, it’s that laying like that reminds me of a time when I felt safe, when I had someone to take care of me.”

“Oh Matteo,” David whispered.

“I know. Look I’m sorry I won't do it again,” Matteo said.

He looked so ashamed of himself, and that wasn’t what David wanted. He didn’t want to tell Matteo off or upset him. He was just trying to set his boundaries, but he was struggling because he himself was so torn.

“It's... I can't,” David said.

“I know and I shouldn’t have laid on you. I just... I don't know that I can help it, you can just push me away yeah? Or... if I keep doing it, then I’ll just have to sleep on the floor. It’s fine, David,” Matteo said.

And David knew he meant it too, he would really sleep on the floor just so David could be comfortable.

“I’m sorry. I wish I was normal, I wish I could comfort you,” David said.

“You do always, and I don't wish you were any other way,” Matteo said, squeezing his hand.

“I miss you now,” David murmured.

“Oh my god,” Matteo said, grinning at him.

“I don't know how to explain it. I feel so comfortable when you're touching me, even my chest, but its like my brain is on high alert saying he can feel it he can feel it, he can feel my chest,” David said.

“But I can feel your chest, and I know it's there,” Matteo said, frowning, a little confused.

“I know this is me overreacting,” David mumbled.

“No, this is... they cause you pain, right? That's how you described it. Dysphoria is painful for you?”

“Yes, it really is, it’s so painful Matteo, I’m in pain, I really am,” David said.

“I know, David, I believe you I promise. But with pain like this you can't really be rational I think. Your chest doesn’t feel like a part of you, right? But because we both know it’s there... that’s what upsets you I think. The idea of me acknowledging your chest bothers you I can tell. You don't even like me talking about it, right? You want me to shut up?”

“I just... yeah because I just want to ignore it,” David said.

“Ok then.”

“So, what do we do?” David demanded. He wanted Matteo to fix this, make him better.

“I don’t know. I’m just talking David, I don't have the answers,” Matteo said.

“Tell me I’m ok,” David said.

“David, you're perfect, I love you exactly as you are and exactly as you're going to change ok? I think... we've just got to give it time you know, let you get comfortable-”

“I am comfortable, Matteo!” David snapped. “I am fucking comfortable around you! I’ve shown you all of me, more than once now. I trust you completely, so why can't I do this?” he demanded, moving so that he was kneeling over Matteo.

“The same reason it scares me when you raise your voice, David,” Matteo said, closing his eyes tight.

David immediately deflated. “I’m sorry Matteo, are you ok?” he said, keeping his voice gentle and quiet.

“Yes. David, I trust you completely. I know you're not yelling at me, I know you're not a threat, but the second you start getting loud I can feel myself getting on edge, getting scared, it’s just a reflex, it’s not you it’s me,” Matteo said.

“Oh Matteo,” David said, laying down beside him and pulling him close.

“It's ok, I know you're stressed,” Matteo mumbled.

That didn’t make it ok, this wasn’t something Matteo had to accept or deal with, this was something David had to work on.

“I am, and you’re right, I’m not yelling at you, but I’m sorry. I’m going to try better. I get so frustrated sometimes you know? Because you’re right, you’re being rational, but I just can’t accept it.”

“It's ok David. But really this is a bit like that. I trust you. I know you’re not yelling at me, but my brain doesn’t get the message. You trust me, you don't trust yourself I guess or... look even though you feel comfortable, me laying on you must remind you of what’s there. You have the wrong chest, and you can’t ignore it when I’m laying on it. But maybe you've just got to stop pretending that it’s not there,” Matteo suggested.

Matteo was so smart; David was amazed by him. Not that he was smart, but that despite him not being able to get his situation, he was still able to put it into words. He was able to take his own experiences and relate them, without taking away the gravity of David’s situation, or minimising it. He was just trying to help, and David appreciated it so much.

“I... that's what my psychologist said too. She said I had to accept that I had these parts of my body that weren't mine but were there for now and while disguising them was fine, completely ignoring them wouldn't help me, I have to learn to accept myself. I can change a lot, but I still have to accept who I am,” David said.

And he got that, and he did accept what he had most of the time, but then there were days like this when it felt impossible.

“There we go, I could've been a shrink,” Matteo joked.

“Come here please,” David said, reaching out for him.

Matteo sighed and settled against his chest again.

“Don't fall asleep yet,” David warned.

It was still early, but he wanted Matteo to stay awake a little longer. He wanted him to keep reassuring him, comforting him.

“It’s so hard, David,” Matteo whined, snuggling against him.

David giggled; Matteo had immediately gone limp the moment his head hit David's chest. David loved this feeling, the weight of him against him.

“It’s there,” David said.

Matteo was right, having him lay against him just made him aware of the issue. But it also felt good.

“Yeah,” Matteo murmured sleepily.

David shook him slightly to keep him awake.

“But it's ok?”

“It's ok with me, it's you that has the problem. _I_ love you. _I_ think you're amazing and perfect and maybe you should just love yourself like I love you. Except then you'd be insufferable,” Matteo joked.

“Shut up, Matteo,” David said, but he couldn’t help but smile.

“Ok,” Matteo said with a shrug.

“I wish I could see myself the way you do,” David admitted.

That would be beautiful. The way Matteo saw him was how he wanted to see himself.

“It's impossible I think... just like the way you see me? It’s impossible to me, it makes no sense but... I can just accept it. It's hard but... I can't argue with you. You really think I’m good, you really do like me-”

“I love you, Matteo,” David said.

“Yeah, but you like me too, you like _me_ , who I am,” Matteo explained.

“Loving you, liking you, it's the easiest thing in the world,” David said.

“Right well it's the same for me, ok? I love you and I like who you are as a person and I know your body isn't right for you but... that's your problem not mine,” Matteo said.

David frowned down at him. “What the hell?”

“No, I mean it's your problem. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. You're worried I’m going to be grossed out or turned off or not want you? _You_? It's madness, and it's entirely a you problem. I love you; you should start loving yourself,” Matteo said.

David laughed; he couldn’t help it. “Fucking hell, Matteo,” he said quietly.

“What?” Matteo asked innocently.

“How the hell do you love me and insult me in the same breath?” he asked.

“I’m just that good I guess. Are you… I know it's not that simple as what I just said. I’m not trying to speak over you or minimise your pain, I know that it’s real. It’s just nothing will stop me loving you, seeing you, and I know you’re suffering but I have to tell you, you know?”

“God I love you, so so much,” David whispered.

“Good.”

“I think... maybe today it’s ok to lie like this,” David decided.

Right now, he didn’t want any distance between them, he needed to be pressed close like this.

“And maybe tomorrow won't be, that's how it works, right?” Matteo checked.

“Yeah that’s exactly it,” David agreed.

“Cool,” Matteo said.

“Cool?”

“Yeah cool, can we cuddle and sleep now?” Matteo said, snuggling against him.

“We can,” David agreed.

“Oh, I thought you were going to argue more,” Matteo said.

“I mean I love arguing with you but you're sleepy, I want you to sleep,” David said, stroking a hand through his hair.

“So sleepy,” Matteo agreed.

“It helps that it makes you feel safe, because I can put your comfort first,” David said.

“You shouldn't do that,” Matteo said.

David knew he was right, but that wasn’t quite what he meant, it wasn’t that he was putting himself in deliberate discomfort. It was that knowing Matteo felt comfortable like this made him feel comfortable too.

“I know but it's more like I feel uncomfortable but only a bit, but just the fact that this makes you feel good is such a nice feeling,” David said.

“Yeah, it's complex you can feel lots of things,” Matteo said.

“This is so good,” David said, running his fingers gently up and down Matteo’s back.

“Mm.”

Matteo was definitely drifting off now, well on his way to sleep, not even responding properly. David just covered them both with the blankets and settled down. They definitely had a few good hours of sleep left.

“It's so good with you Matteo, I know you're going to sleep but I need you to know it's so good with you. I’m so happy I met you. I’ve never trusted anyone like this, I’ve never felt safe like this, I just... I love you ok? I just love you. You sleep now, I won’t push you away, I want you here. This feels good, right now it feels good.”

Matteo just giggled softly. “Good night David, I love you too,” he whispered.

David just leant down and pressed a kiss to his lips, making him smile. He knew it wouldn’t always be this easy, but he needed to stop putting so much pressure on himself. Everyone had bad days, but there would be plenty of good days too. For every day he couldn’t lay with Matteo like this, there’d be so many more where he could. Days where he could feel comfortable being bare and intimate with Matteo. And it would feel so good. It would feel wonderful, and that was worth everything. 


End file.
